The Hopeful Pessimist
As an eternal pessimist, I never made goals for the new year. You could liken me to a grumpy old man laughing at friends and siblings who were making goals diligently. One of my frequent swipes was, "Let me look at your new year goals 2010. So revolutionary. Lifting them straight outta 2005." But this year was different. Very different. And this year gives me, and a lot of people this hope that we survived this year. In a world threatened by a physical virus, we increasingly found ourselves with mental health issues. Stress, heartbreak, pain, fear, anxiety, it all happened. Suddenly it was not about a goddamn physical virus. It was about us. With friends and family at a distance, how would we cope with us? What toll would it take on you to listen to yourself instead of drowning all the cacophony in the struggles of wanting to get to office, in a traffic jam with honking cars and irate drivers. It was as if time had stopped. And it had stopped at the worst possible moment there was. Dreams, lives, careers, relationships- everything was put on hold, with no answers on when they'd resume or if they would ever resume. I frantically googled answers. There were plenty of opinions, but even more speculation. Life had just become a huge gamble. Inner you was torn between the very heavy weight of the privilege of having food in your fridge for the next meal versus the toll the virus was taking on you because it was killing your spirit, and painfully, so many of the people around you. You had hidden all your vulnerabilities under the coat of work, career and family but now, it had crept out and was staring at you from your giant mirror. It was probably like the "weakness" column from your job application was mocking you. "Really bro? Your only weakness is patience and working too hard?"
As it happens, time passes. But damage had been done. Hundreds of thousands had died. If you made it, you'd barely survived. But it gave us an opportunity to look at ourselves in the mirror. The real us. Humans are incredibly complex, and you realized that you were more than the summary of adjectives you'd come to identify with. Yes of course, you are beautiful, smart, lazy, selfish. But you're also resilient. You're also brave. And sometimes all you want is to give up this fight. You want to be able to love yourself. So is this coronavirus pandemic a blessing? Absolutely not. With so many lives lost, it'll always be an ugly blot for the years to come. But as they say, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." So mask up, and take your precautions, and flex your new strength as I go write a few goals for 2021, rehashed from 2005.
The Happy Misfit
I’ve always been weird around people. I don’t ask people how they’re doing to begin a conversation. I just awkwardly try to look at the book they’re reading to judge for myself. I laugh at inappropriate jokes at the wrong time. I insist on cracking jokes, but I can’t stop laughing in between the joke. You may choose to not believe me but I think I am pretty funny.
If you want to spot me at a party, try looking for awkward people there. Chances are, I will be found wandering alone, with food in my hands and a fake smile plastered across my face to make up for my lack of social skills. To make it easier for you, look for the warrior who’s battling questions like, “Oh you, do you recognize me?” “Why aren’t you eating anything?” “Where’s mom?” “Why do you look ill?” Of course I don’t recognize you. Dude I’ve had three servings of ice cream already. Mom didn’t care too much about your sad party so she didn’t care to turn up. And no, I am not ill. It’s just that I haven’t bathed for the past four days. But that of course, is socially unacceptable. So I answer all of these questions with a big smile.
I am pretty popular on social media though. I have three accounts on Facebook. Not a very useful thing, but I am assured of three likes on my pictures. Sometimes four too, but that’s only when mom decides to login after three months. I like Twitter. I wish life was like Twitter. I could just utter 140 characters and get away with it. I’d even like to post photos of my foreign vacations but guess, photoshop is not my forte.
In school, you’ll find me on the last bench of the class. Apparently, it’s a great place to pick your nose and think. Think about how difficult it’d be to break the news to my parents that I actually am Batman. Or why people try to eat a burger with a knife and fork! My train of thoughts is broken by my teachers who ask me questions on the Chemistry lesson they just taught. In life I’ve realised that ‘I don’t know’ is never the answer to their question.
Who am I you ask? I’m the loser you thought I was because I chose to be a little different. I’m the awkward soul who laughs out loud at social gatherings when all you’re supposed to do is stifle your laughter and sniff your kerchiefs. I’m the shy friend who can sit quietly for hours, till you bring up a topic I am interested in. And then I cannot shut it. I am you, except that I refused to kowtow to society. I am not a hero. I am a silent guardian, a watchful protector, a Dark Knight..