Breaking Taboos- Part I
“Daddy, I am so scared.” Twelve year old Tanaya ran and hugged her father.
“What happened to my big brave daughter?”
“Daddy, I guess it’s blood.. Daddy, I think I saw blood on my skirt today.”
Tanaya had lost her mother six months back and Ashutosh, her father was finding it difficult bringing up his daughter all by himself. He was madly in love with his wife and he had ruled out second marriage options as proposed by his relatives. He was a doting dad and tried his best to be a mother and father to Tanaya.
“Daddy”, Tanaya spoke again. “Daddy, I saw blood on my skirt. Rashi told me that it is periods. I am on periods. Am I on periods daddy?”
It was not exactly a comfortable question for Ashutosh so he tried to evade her questions at least for some time. “Tanaya baby, do you want an ice cream? Chocolate?”
Tanaya made a face. “You know daddy, Rashi was right. She told me that you wouldn’t talk to me about this. Even she discusses all this with her mom. I wish mom was alive. I am sorry I told you about this. Just forget that I ever told you this.”
Ashutosh was startled and a little ashamed. He didn’t want to make Tanaya feel ashamed about something which was so normal. He just wanted to buy some time for himself. “Tanaya sweetie, why would you feel like that? I am your mommy too, remember? I wonder why Rashi would put such things into your head.”
“Then why wouldn’t you talk about it daddy? I am so scared. Will I die like mommy too?”
“Oh no baby, never ever say that. You are daddy’s princess.”
“But daddy.. blood?”
“Come, we’ll go out, have ice cream and then discuss about this. This is a wonderful thing. Always be proud of this.” Ashutosh held his daughter’s hand and escorted her outside the door.
As Tanaya took a large bite off her orange flavoured ice cream, Ashutosh asked her to narrate the day’s happenings.
“Daddy, I saw blood on my skirt today and I am very scared.”
“Well little Tanaya, let me narrate a little story to you.”
“Oh sure, daddy. Make it an interesting one.”
“It is an interesting one, kid. When your mommy was as little as you, she also saw blood on her skirt. She ran up to her dad who told her that she had received the biggest gift of her life that day.”
Tanaya had her doubts. “How was it the biggest gift of her life daddy?”
“Because that day she got periods for the very first time. It gave her the power to be a mother. It gave her you.”
“Does that mean daddy, that I can become like mommy too?”
“Yes, of course, you’re already like your mommy with your hazel eyes and chestnut hair.”
“Thank You daddy. I love you. I’ll tell that annoying Rashi that my father is the best. He told me everything. I have some more questions but I’ll ask them tomorrow. I need to sleep.”
Ashutosh heaved a sigh of relief. He’d broken a taboo. Tomorrow he would be adequately prepared to break another taboo and talk to her about something society would not have approved of. As he put Tanaya to sleep, Ashutosh could feel his wife smiling at him. He had not been a good husband to her while she was alive but he would try his best to be a good father to their daughter.
Breaking Taboos- Part II
“What does my little Tanaya want to eat for lunch?” Ashutosh asked his ten year old daughter.
“I want cheese pasta and fries and coke.”
“Let’s order it quickly.” Ashutosh smiled.
“You never say no to me, daddy. You are the best dad ever.” Tanaya hugged him and sat beside him. “I will never say no to you. You are my princess.”
Ashutosh was a single dad. He had lost his wife three years back. Madly in love with her, he had refused to marry again. Being a single dad was perhaps the most challenging task of his life, but he wasn’t the one to give up. Ashutosh would learn new sandwich recipes for Tanaya’s tiffin, he would come back from office and play carrom with her, he would sit with her on weekends and teach her maths despite her protests, he would take her shopping when she asked, he would discuss how much she loved the band One Direction, her crushes, boys everything. But he could never bring up the topic of sexual abuse.
He had been thinking over it for days. “Maybe, I should ask Reena to do it.” “No.” “I have to do it.” “I have to let her know that daddy is there for everything.” “I can’t let her be alone.” “I wish Natasha was alive today. She was my strength.” “I think I will have to talk to her about it. I won’t let anything hurt my daughter.”
“Tanaya! Are you hungry?”
“Yes daddy.”
“Let’s have chocolates until pasta arrives, okay?”
“Yes.” Tanaya jumped up from her seat, and promptly returned with some wrapped chocolates. “Here, take this blue chocolate.”
Ashutosh smiled and accepted one. “Rest of the chocolates, you have. Come and sit here.”
“Tanaya, I am going to tell you something important. Listen to it carefully. Maybe, like a story. Daddy is not as good a storyteller as mommy but he will try, okay?”
“Yes, daddy.” Tanaya looked up, her big twinkling eyes full of curiosity.
“We all have a body, right? We do so much to keep our body healthy. We try to avoid unhealthy food. We try to walk more to keep fit. We try to eat more fresh fruits.”
“I am listening, daddy. Go on.”
“Our body is the purest thing we have. Say for example, you have that new set of crayons. Do you let anybody touch it without permission?”
“No, those are my crayons.”
“Exactly, just like that is your crayon set, this is your body. You do not let anybody touch you without your permission. Only, you have the right to say who can touch you and who cannot.”
“Yes, I get it. Nobody will be able to touch me without my permission. I will have to say no.”
“Yes, this is what we call sexual abuse. Say for example, you are being driven to school in your school van and the auto driver stares at you or touches your private parts, you have to stop him. If anybody touches you inappropriately, raise alarm, fight, and report it.”
“I have been touched inappropriately in the past.”
“What?” It had come across as a bitter shock to Ashutosh.
“Yes daddy, I have been touched and stared at. I didn’t like it but I never complained. I didn’t know what to do.”
“I have been a failure, Tanaya. I could not keep you safe.”
“No daddy, we are having this conversation because I need to understand what I have to do. I am happy you talked to me about it. It was an unfortunate thing that happened but don't feel bad about it. It's time for us to make things better.”
Ashutosh was awestruck at the maturity his little daughter showed. “Yes, Tanaya, it is about identifying the enemy, the right and the wrong touch. The intention is important.”
Tanaya looked at her father, her eyes gleaming with determination. “I get it, daddy. I will have to be very strong. You never make me miss mommy.”
“Daddy is hungry now. Let’s have lunch. I hope the fries are still hot.”
Ashutosh smiled as he saw his daughter eating. One conversation had brought him so close to their vulnerability. He had broken one taboo today, he would be adequately prepared to break another tomorrow.
Prostitution
“I won’t pay a penny more than 200 rupees.” Sahib said.
I looked at him seductively biting my lips. “Make it 300 sahib, I promise you won’t regret it.”
“I’ll pay you 250 and that is final. You have to make my night worth or I won’t pay you a single penny.”
I had no customers that day and I had no option but to agree. “Okay Sahib, as you say. Give me the money and I’ll make preparations for everything.”
I am a prostitute by profession and a proud one at that. My name is Priti but people here call me ‘Chikni’. It’s like a pen name you writer guys have. My parents wanted me to become a doctor. But I have always wanted to be a lawyer. Things became bad when my dad lost his job as a security guard when the mall closed down. I had to discontinue my studies because I was expected to take care of the house, my parents, and my younger brother.
I remember how my mother forced me to sleep with my neighbour for a hundred rupees. I was fifteen then. I felt dirty and used. But I had a hearty meal after days. I couldn’t sleep that day. I kept wondering what is worse: people’s self-imposed morals or sacrificing yourself on the altar of your self-imposed morals. Hell, I don’t think I did anything wrong. I would rather be called a prostitute and be looked down upon than go hungry for days because somebody else thinks it is morally wrong.
“Here’s your money.” Sahib threw the notes on my face. “Thank You Sahib.” I bowed. I couldn’t stop thinking what I’d do of those notes. I had to buy rice and vegetables. I was going to buy a few onions too. It’d been ages since I had onions. I wanted to buy an ice cream too, strawberry flavour. So much to do, so little to spend, I smiled.
In life, I’ve realised, morals are like neighbours. We are all fine with them, until they threaten to invade our life to totally ruin it. I could see the glee on my brother’s face when I gave him the ice cream. Your morals don’t make him happy, my lack of it, does.
Promise
‘’Vipul, why can’t you take a week long break?’’
‘’I can’t, Shima. I’ll try to come home in a few days. I want to see you, our baby, maa, baba…’’, Vipul tried to convince his wife without any conviction.
‘’What you do think Vipul? You weren’t there when Ashu was born; that poor kid has perpetually grown without a father; and now you aren’t there for his younger sibling too. Why don’t you divorce me? We’ve learnt to live without you. Your job, your duty, your life; it seems like we don’t have a right on it. ’’ Shima was now angry.
‘’Shima, please..’’, Vipul felt weak.
Shima hung up the phone. This wasn’t typical of her. She was supportive of her husband, his job, his priorities; but she wanted some space in his life too. Vipul never had time for her. She was bringing up their son alone, taking care of his aged parents, and was now expecting their second child. This was not a life she had dreamt of when she got married to Vipul against her parents’ wishes. Even four-year old Ashu would complain that daddy rarely came home, hardly took him out to ice cream parlours, hardly accompanied him for the parent-teaching meetings in his school, and it'd been months since he had taken him out on Sundays to buy books. Being a mother and father both to Ashu wasn’t easy for her.
Shima called Vipul again. “Listen Vipul, if you can’t home this Diwali, if you can’t be the first one to see your baby, if you can’t sit with Ashu on your lap; I will leave your house forever. I am going back to my parents.’’
“No Shima, listen honey. Don’t do this to me. I am trying my best to be home this Diwali. Please don’t go. I want to see you, Ashu and our second kid when I come back.”
“No, Vipul, this time I won’t relent. You are not the only one who works in this world. There is a difference between personal and professional life. I don’t have a place in your life. It’s better that we live separately. I know that it won’t make a difference to you.”
“Shima, don’t go. I beg of you. Don’t go. Just stay. I promise you that I’ll try my best to be back by Diwali to see you, my kids, maa, baba…”
“Oh Really Vipul? Thank You so much. You can keep trying. I know you won’t come. Anyway, I don’t want to argue with you anymore. If you can, do come home on Diwali to see the kids.” Shima hung up angrily again.
On Diwali eve, Shima got a phone call. It was from Lieutenant Singh.
“Mrs Basu, How are you? How are the kids? Basu dada was a great man… India will forever respect him for being Major General Vipul Basu. Our army needs people like him. Selfless and brave..”
Shima had just woken up. She had given birth to her second child only a day back and felt weak. “What are you saying Singh Sir? What happened?” “Sorry… Sorry Mrs Basu.. I think you were sleeping. Please go back to sleep. I’ll call later.”
Shima was now worried. “What happened to Vipul? What happened to him? Singh Sir.. just say what happened?” “Madam, Basu da.. sorry to say madam, but Basu da got shot in his chest thrice… he is no more... His body will be reaching Kolkata anytime soon.”
Shima dropped her cellphone and ran outside the house, hot tears blinding her vision. At the door, a few jawans were standing with Vipul’s coffin. When they opened the coffin, Shima noticed that Vipul’s eyes were open and his mouth had a slight smile.
Vipul had kept his promise. He had come back home for Diwali to see his wife and kids. Before his last walk to the graveyard, Vipul would savour the beautiful sight of his wife, his kids, maa and baba with his stark opened eyes.
Homosexual
“Maa, I can’t marry Neha.”
“What is wrong with you Arjun?
We have already distributed your marriage invitation cards to everybody.”
“I never asked you to do that. You and dad did it because you guys want me to get married.”
“Yes, we want you to get married. You can’t get away with your whims and fancies.”
“It’s not my own wish that I am attracted to guys.”
“It’s all because of the Internet, Arjun. It has spoiled our lives.”
“But maa, so many people support homosexuality.”
“Yes, I know that a lot of people support homosexuality; hell even I would have, if my son was not a self-proclaimed homosexual. They do because they don’t have a gay son for God sake.”
26 year old Arjun was the only child of his parents. Arjun was only 16 when he realized he wasn’t attracted to girls at all. He was shocked when he discovered he was attracted to guys instead. Arjun couldn’t sleep for days. He tried to tell himself that if was just a phase and it too would pass. But it never happened.
Arjun became a recluse. He would hardly come out of his room and spent most of his time on the Internet. He hardly had any real life friends. After constant nagging by his parents, he decided to tell them that he ‘felt’ he was gay. Of course, they wouldn’t believe him. They felt that it was the Internet which had put ‘such things’ into his head. “The marriage is not even legal in India, Arjun.”
Arjun was distraught. He decided to do what he never had the courage to do. He picked up the phone and called Neha. “Neha, I love you as a friend and am always there for you whenever you need me but I can’t marry you. And no, you have not done anything wrong. You are perfect in every way. I can’t marry you because I am a homosexual.”
Arjun didn’t know what the repercussions of that would be. His parents would disown him; the society would probably ostracize him. But this time, Arjun didn’t care. He lived in a society where rapists weren’t ostracized, homosexuals were. He left home, plugged in his earphones and sat by the lake. And then, Arjun did something he’d not done in ages. He smiled.
Together forever- Conjoined
Dear mom,
I am writing in this letter what I wanted to tell you so desperately but could never have the courage to tell you. Mom, I love you. You’re the strongest person I know. I know you will never tell me but I know how distraught you were when Trisha and I were born. I can imagine the look on your and dad’s face when the doctor pronounced that we were conjoined twins. I also know that you wasted no time in pulling yourself together so you could give us as a good a life as you possibly could. I have seen our newborn pictures where you gleefully hold us, betraying any emotion of shock or pain you might have felt just moments before. You don’t know how much Trish and I respect you for that. I know how you defended us when they would stare at us on the streets. I know how you kissed us even when everybody pointed out how ‘different’ we were.
Yesterday we got drenched in the rain and you scolded us. Trust me, it was my idea, not Trish’s. You could have scolded me. She is my sister, it’s my job to protect her. Considering that I've convinced her that you guys found her on the steps of a temple, I don't think she's the brightest in the room. I am sorry, I am sorry. I had to put this joke because I want you to smile while reading this. You know mom, I feel bad that I argued with her today on the nail polish colour we wanted to apply on our feet. I wanted pink, and she wanted to apply neon green. Like really, who even likes neon green? But because I am supposed to the more mature one, I let her choose the colour. These are some of the times when I feel we should have had separate legs. Yes mom, I am rolling my eyes and I am not sorry.
Tomorrow we’ll have our life changing surgery. I don’t know how to say this but I don't know if we’ll be able to survive but mom, I desperately want to. Trish wants to be a model and I want to be a writer. Since writers don’t earn much, Trisha has promised me an Alexander McQueen gown with her first salary. Oh, but what if I become the next Paulo Coelho? I’ll be making big bucks too. Then, I’ll buy dad the latest iPhone.
But maa, the question is of survival.
I don’t know if we will survive. I don’t know if the surgery will succeed. I know you and dad don't have any answers either and how heavily this weighs on the both of you. But, I know how much courage it must have taken you to say yes to this surgery. Mom, you and dad don’t lose hope even if we don't make it. You gather all the courage you have, fix all the broken pieces in life and try to move forward. Dad will be shattered if we are gone, but you be his strength, tell him that his daughters will watch over him and continue to be proud for having him in our lives. And promise me, that you’ll finish your book and get it published. Show us the courage you showed when you decided to raise as 'normally' as you could.
Oh, but I am not dead yet. Maybe tomorrow, Trish and I will be standing in front of you as two separate individuals. Maybe, we will be a medical miracle. Be strong, mom. I want the world to say, oh there, there goes Tara and Trisha’s mum- the woman who epitomizes courage.
And now, I must sleep. Trish is wondering why I have kept her up. Again, this is one of those moments when I wish we had separate bodies. I am sealing our kisses in this letter. Whenever you remember us, read this letter, be strong, be proud of being our mother. I've never wanted anything more.
Yours lovingly,
Tara