At this point I'm not sure if lockdown is just a code word for my waist. That stuff just keeps getting extended.
The best part about coronavirus is that it didn't happen 10 years ago. Imagine waiting for your parents to go to work so you could watch television endlessly and they said 'Nope! we aren't going anywhere, we're sitting at home, you're doing math and also your favorite Lays' flavour is unavailable.'
*Day 370 of Lockdown*
Painfully shy introvert now identifies as an extrovert.
I realized masking isn't so bad when I passed Auntie Sarla on the streets and she couldn't recognize me.
I think I got the wrong quarantine memo. They said 'flatten the curve.' But all these potato chips are just accentuating it.
Indian Election results of 2024 to be declared in 2021 itself as Indian voters go vote in a fiercely contested battle between a movie by a liberal director and a movie by a conservative producer. Box office collections to decide fate of democracy.
"Mom, I am going places. Like this place near the elevator."
L'ofake. Because nobody's worth it.
Just married. Not me. I was there for the food.
She switches on the lights, then forgets all about it. He gets upset and switches them off. She says sorry, he accepts it. Then she does it again. They have an on-off relationship you see.
If you walk down the street in a red shirt without any gifts and kids confuse you for Santa, join a gym.
Doctor: Take a long deep breath
Me: * Takes a long deep breath*
Doctor: Congratulations 23 people from your friends list are now married.
The most hurtful caption this Diwali was, "Happy Diwali from me and mine to you and yours."
There isn't a 'yours' sis, I'm ugly.
To whomsoever it may concern.
I bought snacks. That IS my plan for New Year's eve. Thanks.
Pity people who make new year resolutions. I usually just carry forward the ones that I made back in 2005.
Santa: Hey there kid, what do you want for Christmas?
Me: Just stop these news portals from publishing click-bait articles.
Santa: How about I give you a listicle of 10 reasons why I won't grant you the wish?
Santa is real. He would have been here with your gifts had Christmas fallen in the first week of the month, instead of the last.
Merry Christmas.
Rich people hire bald hairdressers all the time, yet you won't trust my relationship advice.
*Growing up middle class*
Receptionist: Enjoy your stay.
Parents: Don't touch the mini bar.
Remember the message you forgot to forward in 2011? The same message which would bring you 10 years of bad luck?
That punishment will be over from 2022. Congratulations.
Looks like my wife really loves me.
She's packed me butter chicken and bread for lunch. Minus the chicken.
Just read an article on all the countries I can travel to without a visa.
Now I only need an article about the countries I can travel to without money.
People only correct your grammar when you are criticizing them, never when you are paying them a compliment.
Santa asked me lovingly what I wanted for Christmas.
I said I want a great and a particularly thrilling love life.
Santa knelt beside me, looked into my eyes, blinked slowly and said, "If I had one myself, would I be visiting losers on a festive day asking what they want for Christmas?"
'Trust is the most important thing to me in a relationship.'
Okay but you didn't reply to my 'hello' for three days, then replied 'LOL' within three seconds after I sent you a three minute video.
If only stupid people are truly happy, then they're the only smart people.
Therapist: It's okay to fail.
Me: Can you convince my parents?
Therapist after a 15 minute phone call: Get an A.
They asked me to never fit in. Now I only buy clothes that are two sizes too small.
I received a lot of gifts from my friends on my birthday. All were cash on delivery.
All these young people complaining about not having dates. I just buy a whole pack for $10.
I only did law so random people could text me and ask me to defend them when they rob a bank.
Mom: I don't understand these kids washing their dirty linen in public
Me, a lawyer: Five years of law school, and you don't understand now?
My little sister just cannot learn the alphabets. She refuses to go beyond A. Now my Asian parents love her more than they have ever loved me.
Comfort me with a lie, but never hurt me with the truth.
Conventionally attractive woman at beauty pageant: The only thing that matters is your inner beauty.
Well she's been surviving on orange juice for the last 3 months, I am sure it has helped her inner beauty enormously.
Employee: I am depressed.
Human Resources Department: *shows several videos and presentations and gives a seminar*
Human Resources Department: Are you okay now?
Employee: Well the thing is tha..
Human Resources Department: You are supposed to say yes.